On Friendship

(Note: Regular readers will immediately notice that this post, like a couple of others I have done (7/22/17 - Lessons From My Childhood, and 11/12/17 - More Stories From My Youth) is not a political post, although politics does come into play in our times - even in friendships. I have been on a short two week hiatus, partly unsure about what I wanted to discuss, and partly just having hit a wall. Now, however, I feel fully refreshed, and have several new posts already written - in my head that is. We'll see what time permits me to post this week.)

Most of us are blessed to have what we would call "good friends." We also have "acquaintances," and often "colleagues." For me, the "boys in New Jersey," as I refer to the guys with whom I grew up, have mostly remained life-long friends. Two buddies from college have also remained friends to this day. The writer George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans) said: "Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words."

Of course, we - hopefully - continue to make new friends throughout our lives. Some of those friendships last, others do not. Some that I thought of as friends abandoned me because of my conservative politics. Recently, a friend/colleague was telling me that Trump's divisiveness is responsible for much of the anger that he, and other liberals/leftists feel towards their, in some cases, now former friends who are conservatives. I tried to explain that was no excuse. Our three children were taught that they could only control their own behavior, and that other's misbehavior would never excuse their own. Yet, this man seemed to justify his nearly uncontrollable anger based on Trump's demeanor. I also explained my admiration for triple H, Hubert Horatio Humphrey, a Democrat who was known as "The Happy Warrior," because his passion for his beliefs never interfered with his respect for those with whom he disagreed politically.

However, Humphrey's outlook is not the prevalent attitude of today. Indeed, some of today's leftists have abandoned their friendships with me because of our political differences. While I am sure they rationalize their dropping even long-term friends, such attitudes - such intolerance - only makes me think less of them. "To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform." So said the historian, Theodore H. White.

As painful as it is, I take personal responsibility for the loss of a friend, who was in mourning following the death of a close family member. I unintentionally said something that was rather insensitive to another in his family. It was a stupid thing to say, and I wished I could take it back almost immediately. It was the end of the friendship. I was disappointed. I thought of how the boys in Jersey might have reacted. They probably would have called me a dumb moron (okay, it would have been much worse, but I avoid those words in the blog). The point is, they would have expressed their anger at me, deservedly, yet we would have remained friends. "Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive." Writer unknown.

I am fortunate to have friends who are there in times of need - emotional, financial and who simply allow me to vent. Friends who understand that I may falter at times, but will give me a second and third and fourth chance. Ralph Waldo Emerson opined that true friendship was elusive, perhaps unattainable. Emerson: "Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins. We parry and fend the approach of our fellow man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds."

A rather disconcerting view of friendships. I'm with George Eliot, and treasure those with whom I neither have to weigh thoughts nor measure words. I'm with those who will not write me off when I falter. And I promise to do the same in return. I want friends who will tell me when I am wrong - not just about politics, but about life, about family, about anything. When friends do that for us, instead of abandoning us, they make us better people.

To end on a humorous note, I once asked one of the boys in Jersey what he thought of my blog. They do not all read it. He said he agreed about 70% of the time, disagreed about 20% of the time, and the remaining 10% of the time he thought I was bat-shit crazy. He certainly did not worry about having to measure his words. Exactly the kind of friend I want.